The pain is rising again

Depression was a long time ago. But today or yesterday, or last week, its kinda hard to tell... time rippled and suddenly I was back where I used to be, feeling a pain that kinda just sits somewhere deep down on the left, and weighs me down so I come to a stop. Its meaningless, without cause, not tied to anything, not from anything.  Its familiar, because it was with me for years.  I feel like following it down into the hole of blackness, a hole lined with hands that grab at me and pull me lower and deeper, down into a complete darkness.

But I am older now, and wiser, I think, and I can see, though weakly, that the darkness is seductive. I ask why.... why.... why is it seductive... why does it pull.... why would I want to be lower and lower into the pall of gloom.... Maybe there is a reason why some of us feel like leaving life... maybe there is purpose to that.... but leaving this life causes others pain... and causing someone else pain or me living in pain, its all the same amount of pain... I might as well just keep the pain to myself and live with it... plod through this day with pain, just living slowly, each moment a slow scratch of nails on the chalkboard, a low pitched screeching of life, a slow tearing of my mind.

But here I am, indulging in the dark. I try I try to look away from the darkness, but it has a hold on me.  I will look away. I will look away.